Kuch Bhi Nahi Ab Meray Kal Mein.

SO OBSESSED WITH THIS SONG.



Somebody get it out of my head. 

Fizzle.

Loneliness is the most effective acid and poison.
Bitterness at its best.
Frustration and misery and helplessness.
Irrational anger and irritation.
You never know who feels like this, when and why.
There is nobody who doesn't, let me tell you that.

Tweeter.

What the hell is this now. The one thing that kept us all happy and now it's banned. I CANNOT GO BACK TO BLOGGER OR FB. This is blasphemy. Bring it back =(

I know it works on Opera Mini. But it's no fun that way. 

You Don't Get It, Do You.

It is of absolutely no use. Thinking that maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this time it won't matter so much. Maybe this time, things will change, priorities will shift. Let me tell you: It never does any of that. It will always stay the same. Always. 

Jumble.

Resilience was something I'd always associated with myself. Not so much anymore. I don't know, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe with this temporary lapse, I'll come up with more of it. And yeah. I refuse to believe it is ANYTHING but temporary. 

Dream Of Butterflies Instead: Pak Sar Zameen Ka Nizam, Quwat-e-Akhuwat-e-Awam

An Urdu poem written by my genius friend.

Dream Of Butterflies Instead: Pak Sar Zameen Ka Nizam, Quwat-e-Akhuwat-e-Awam: I thought up the following verses one night when Karachi was going through a series of ethnic violence and attacks. I am not at all an exp...

Control.

Research. Is the bane of my life. The poison to my existence. It... No, I don't have words to describe it. I hate it. I can't do it. Stop looking at me that way, I'm not whining about how it's too much work. That's not what I mean. I'm prepared to work; hell, I've worked my ass off for the past couple of years. This neglected blog is proof of that. So, now that we've established I don't mind working.. I do mind not KNOWING how to work. See, I can do whatever task I've been set if I have even the vaguest idea of how to go about it. Not so with my thesis, oh NO. I'm apparently supposed to be developing a scale and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THAT. Yes fine, my supervisor is there but ultimately I have to do everything, right? How do I do it when I don't even know what to do? I'm in panic mode most of the time because of this tension. I'm the kind of person who is not prone to anxiety, no matter what. I THRIVE on challenges and pressure but this... I don't know. It may sound like I'm making too much out of something that's pretty casual but I'm just not used to not being in control. 

To Whom?

Written by an Anon friend.

To Whom It Concerns.

It has been two years since I last heard your voice, although I must admit that I occasionally look at the only picture I have left of you. These two years have been difficult, but I have carried on. From being clinical depressed and thinking about you every minute, I have pulled myself together and now thoughts about you only cross my mind once or twice a week.

Has the love gone away? No. Your beautiful voice still echoes in my head and calms me down in times of distress, your words are still distinctly printed in my memory and I remember all the promises that we made. The way I felt about you, when I used to jump around the house when you used to call or had sleepless nights thinking about you.. all these memories remain.

When I look back on these two years, there is so much I need to tell you. Some things that would make you proud of me and some things that I am not too proud of. These years have been tough, but hey.. I am still alive.

I was thinking about you on the way home from work and all the beautiful memories and I couldn’t help but think if you were real or just a person that my sub conscious made up. All the things we had and all the feelings we shared seem so impossible to replicate that I would rather make myself believe that you never existed. I have nothing to prove your existence. I am just a madman who thinks about a lady that probably never existed.  How could you have existed anyway? Nothing in life is perfect, but we were.

But.. I have this picture. A proof that you did exist, I can destroy and believe that you were never there, or keep it with me and cherish all our memories.

I will keep it for the time being. I hope he is everything you ever wanted.

I lied. I think about you every day.. still. But hey.. reality is whatever we assume it to be.. isn’t it?

Changing and Churning.

March The 2nd.

That abyss and the dark that takes you in and casts you aside, burning and churning its way in and you're pulled and twisted in all directions till you hope and pray for the break to come already but you know this will last and you won't be getting away from it anywhere, at all, in any time or any place. It's there and it's not going away but you can't accept it and you can't reject it because there's no choice. You dangle in the middle and let the dictations come and rule your life and you fall in line because the line can't be smudged or erased because you lose lives that way. 

Unleash.

This is a guest post written by a friend of mine who shall remain anonymous. Okay? Okay. 

This is for the times I have been used and thrown away, for the times I have been stepped on and nailed on my head, for the times I have been pushed away and abandoned.

All that is left inside me is uncontrollable anger towards the world, for what it never was. For what it is, and for what it is making me. For the fact that I have given this world and the people around me my very best, and it has always taken me for granted. I have helped everyone ever who has asked me for help, done everything expected and demanded of me,

You know how sometimes we keep taking punches to our face and kicks in the balls because it’s convenient that way because if the demon inside us wakes up & start giving people what they give us, things will get uglier and nothing will be the same again? And you keep praying and hoping that you stay calm and let things be, but you know you are on the edge and you will get up any moment now and unleash the fire within.

-Anon.

This is.

Because you stand in one place and your mind spins off into a thousand different directions at the same time and it drives you crazy, the constant thrumming of your thoughts which don't stop and you don't know whether to panic or shut down and it gets worse and worse till you're half out of your mind with frustration and fear and yes. That is me right now. 

Being Scared of Success.

Fear of failure is a term every single person has heard. From my own personal experience, it seems every 3rd person has a fear of failing at whatever they think they won't be good enough at. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

But here's the thing. Its always been the opposite for me. I used to be scared that if I were right about an answer once, I'd have to be right every time. If I scored well on a test or in my semester once, I'd have to do it every time. That, honest to God, scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to be held responsible for being excellent every time. I couldn't be. Why would I want that hanging over my head every time I attempted anything at all?!

So I didn't. I didn't try. No, this isn't some sob story. I was just surprised because I didn't know it was one of the leading problems existing in students. Fear of Success isn't all that common, but it's present in A LOT of students. Reason for being an underachiever, a procrastinator, etc, etc. Whatever. I'm just relieved to know it exists and I'm not as crazy as I thought I was. Lol.

5th March.

MERI TOTO KI HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAI! She turned 2 today, Mashallah <3 

Kulsoom Fatima Reza =)

 Also, special shoutout to Roshni and LWAP who WITHOUT FAIL give me feedback on whatever fazool stuff I write, no matter how much of a gap there is between my posts. All my <3 for you two!

1st of March.

I had a cheese omelette today. I love omelettes they're so versatile. They're good with sausages and cheese and greens and onions and peppers and what not. Nomz. I love eggs. I do. All 3 of my stupid siblings hate them and will only eat eggs if there is NOTHING AT ALL left to eat. Stupid. Moar for me.

Just now:

S: What did you have for breakfast?
Me: Cheese omelette.
S: *disgusted expression* Oh my God.
Me: Why do you even ask?
S: In hopes that maybe someday I'll get inspiration.


I have to charge my phone twice a day now. I don't even use it that much. Wifi is off, usually. WHY IT DIES SO SUDDENLY.

Got my result also, passed the 3rd semester. Absolute LAST SEMESTER of my life. Yes, my life I have no plans to study further. Yet.

Maybe I'll become a school counselor.