Control.

Research. Is the bane of my life. The poison to my existence. It... No, I don't have words to describe it. I hate it. I can't do it. Stop looking at me that way, I'm not whining about how it's too much work. That's not what I mean. I'm prepared to work; hell, I've worked my ass off for the past couple of years. This neglected blog is proof of that. So, now that we've established I don't mind working.. I do mind not KNOWING how to work. See, I can do whatever task I've been set if I have even the vaguest idea of how to go about it. Not so with my thesis, oh NO. I'm apparently supposed to be developing a scale and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THAT. Yes fine, my supervisor is there but ultimately I have to do everything, right? How do I do it when I don't even know what to do? I'm in panic mode most of the time because of this tension. I'm the kind of person who is not prone to anxiety, no matter what. I THRIVE on challenges and pressure but this... I don't know. It may sound like I'm making too much out of something that's pretty casual but I'm just not used to not being in control. 

To Whom?

Written by an Anon friend.

To Whom It Concerns.

It has been two years since I last heard your voice, although I must admit that I occasionally look at the only picture I have left of you. These two years have been difficult, but I have carried on. From being clinical depressed and thinking about you every minute, I have pulled myself together and now thoughts about you only cross my mind once or twice a week.

Has the love gone away? No. Your beautiful voice still echoes in my head and calms me down in times of distress, your words are still distinctly printed in my memory and I remember all the promises that we made. The way I felt about you, when I used to jump around the house when you used to call or had sleepless nights thinking about you.. all these memories remain.

When I look back on these two years, there is so much I need to tell you. Some things that would make you proud of me and some things that I am not too proud of. These years have been tough, but hey.. I am still alive.

I was thinking about you on the way home from work and all the beautiful memories and I couldn’t help but think if you were real or just a person that my sub conscious made up. All the things we had and all the feelings we shared seem so impossible to replicate that I would rather make myself believe that you never existed. I have nothing to prove your existence. I am just a madman who thinks about a lady that probably never existed.  How could you have existed anyway? Nothing in life is perfect, but we were.

But.. I have this picture. A proof that you did exist, I can destroy and believe that you were never there, or keep it with me and cherish all our memories.

I will keep it for the time being. I hope he is everything you ever wanted.

I lied. I think about you every day.. still. But hey.. reality is whatever we assume it to be.. isn’t it?

Changing and Churning.

March The 2nd.

That abyss and the dark that takes you in and casts you aside, burning and churning its way in and you're pulled and twisted in all directions till you hope and pray for the break to come already but you know this will last and you won't be getting away from it anywhere, at all, in any time or any place. It's there and it's not going away but you can't accept it and you can't reject it because there's no choice. You dangle in the middle and let the dictations come and rule your life and you fall in line because the line can't be smudged or erased because you lose lives that way. 

Unleash.

This is a guest post written by a friend of mine who shall remain anonymous. Okay? Okay. 

This is for the times I have been used and thrown away, for the times I have been stepped on and nailed on my head, for the times I have been pushed away and abandoned.

All that is left inside me is uncontrollable anger towards the world, for what it never was. For what it is, and for what it is making me. For the fact that I have given this world and the people around me my very best, and it has always taken me for granted. I have helped everyone ever who has asked me for help, done everything expected and demanded of me,

You know how sometimes we keep taking punches to our face and kicks in the balls because it’s convenient that way because if the demon inside us wakes up & start giving people what they give us, things will get uglier and nothing will be the same again? And you keep praying and hoping that you stay calm and let things be, but you know you are on the edge and you will get up any moment now and unleash the fire within.

-Anon.

This is.

Because you stand in one place and your mind spins off into a thousand different directions at the same time and it drives you crazy, the constant thrumming of your thoughts which don't stop and you don't know whether to panic or shut down and it gets worse and worse till you're half out of your mind with frustration and fear and yes. That is me right now. 

Being Scared of Success.

Fear of failure is a term every single person has heard. From my own personal experience, it seems every 3rd person has a fear of failing at whatever they think they won't be good enough at. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

But here's the thing. Its always been the opposite for me. I used to be scared that if I were right about an answer once, I'd have to be right every time. If I scored well on a test or in my semester once, I'd have to do it every time. That, honest to God, scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to be held responsible for being excellent every time. I couldn't be. Why would I want that hanging over my head every time I attempted anything at all?!

So I didn't. I didn't try. No, this isn't some sob story. I was just surprised because I didn't know it was one of the leading problems existing in students. Fear of Success isn't all that common, but it's present in A LOT of students. Reason for being an underachiever, a procrastinator, etc, etc. Whatever. I'm just relieved to know it exists and I'm not as crazy as I thought I was. Lol.

5th March.

MERI TOTO KI HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAI! She turned 2 today, Mashallah <3 

Kulsoom Fatima Reza =)

 Also, special shoutout to Roshni and LWAP who WITHOUT FAIL give me feedback on whatever fazool stuff I write, no matter how much of a gap there is between my posts. All my <3 for you two!

1st of March.

I had a cheese omelette today. I love omelettes they're so versatile. They're good with sausages and cheese and greens and onions and peppers and what not. Nomz. I love eggs. I do. All 3 of my stupid siblings hate them and will only eat eggs if there is NOTHING AT ALL left to eat. Stupid. Moar for me.

Just now:

S: What did you have for breakfast?
Me: Cheese omelette.
S: *disgusted expression* Oh my God.
Me: Why do you even ask?
S: In hopes that maybe someday I'll get inspiration.


I have to charge my phone twice a day now. I don't even use it that much. Wifi is off, usually. WHY IT DIES SO SUDDENLY.

Got my result also, passed the 3rd semester. Absolute LAST SEMESTER of my life. Yes, my life I have no plans to study further. Yet.

Maybe I'll become a school counselor. 

Masalaaz.

I just realized, I have tons of recipes (tried and tested) stored inside. I've decided I'm going to share them and become LEGENDARY. Okay no, that's just lame. But seriously, I love cooking and even though sometimes I have really bad misses, I'm not... THAT bad =P My brothers eat what I make. That makes me good enough nai to I hear "Duur le jao isay, ganda khaana, kuch nai acha banati!" So if all I get are grunts and "hmmms", well then. My work is done. So, random family blurbs aside, I present to you one of my MOST PRIZED recipes.

DA CHAAT MASALA. *drum roll*

Cumin seeds/ Zeera                                       half cup (ground)
Coriander seeds/ Saabat Dhania                    half cup (ground)
Whole Red Chillies/ Saabat Laal Mirch          half cup (ground)
Salt/ Namakk                                                quarter cup, or less
Sour Mango Powder/ Aamchoor                   one-third cup
Whole Black Pepper/ Saabat Kaali Mirch      1 tablespoon (ground)
Black Salt/ Kaala Namakk                            1 tablespoon
Tartic Acid/ Taatri                                         1 teaspoon (I usually skip this)

Grind whatever needs to be ground (lol) and mix together with all the other spices. Bam, you done.
Easy and tastes really good. Plus, makes about a whole jar. Try it and tell me what you think!

Picture taken from Google. But it looks more or less like this. 

Hocus Focus.

Hello, the 2-3 people who read this crap. Or wait, am I exaggerating? Acha dramaz later, I really need you guys to like and spread this page like a viral. Its my friend's page who is a really talented photographer and needs your support. HALAP, PLIS?

HocusFocus Photography. <-- Click here.

I've added the Facebook link to the page, click on it and you'll get there. Thanks, you guys!

Jalebiz.

I want a month off. No, two months.

I'm really into contemporary fiction these days, some recommendations will make me very happeh, thenkx.

I've notissed I write almost everything the way it shouldn't be written (i.e. 'notissed', 'happeh', 'thenkx').

Angreji kharaab ho jaye gi aisay.

This wasn't what I wanted to post. I completely forgot what I wanted to write here. That happens a lot. My completely forgetting stuff 3-6 seconds after I think it. Okay, now I know my English is failing.

Aaj Vanilla coffee bilkul mazay ki nai thi.

I have a lot of 'ainwaen' posts.

This Was Way Overdue.

Alright, Twitter just leaves me wanting more than 140 characters to whine.

I'm studying Psychology. I've studied and practice both Clinical and Counseling. That does not give you an open ticket to come to me about whatever you think is a huge problem and start whining.

Okay, that sounds mean. Let me explain. I will listen to your problems. I don't mind. I will also listen to your whining, your incessant "why mes'" and crying. I will also comfort you and offer suggestions that I think may help.
I do not mind. What I DO mind is you being a fucking drama queen. You KNOW you have no serious problems. You KNOW I'm tired, I go through hell at the hospital everyday and you still want 'me time' with me. Tell me just fucking why should I give it to you?

Do you listen to me? No. Do you ask me how I feel? No. Where do I whine? Or wait, am I not allowed to? Seeing as how I'm so 'calm' and 'understanding' and 'wise'? Well, fuck this. I need someone to be MY COUNSELOR. Okay? I want to be selfish sometimes. Sometimes I am just NOT IN THE MOOD for your pseudo depressive stories. You want to know what real depression, real problems are? I can tell you. In great detail. THEY'RE MY PATIENTS.

I want you. To be my friend. And treat me. Like your friend.

Not as a counselor.
Not as a doctor.
Not as a psychologist.

Please. I fucking need to just breathe sometimes and forget for a little while the misery that I see every single day. I don't need you to emotionally drain me, because my profession/ study whatever you want to call it is doing that already. Very effectively. I just don't have anything to give sometimes, you know? I need you to understand. That I can't be all understanding and wise and helpful and nice all the fucking time. I can't. Stop expecting me to be this perfect Mother Teresa and for God's sake this does not mean that you stop talking to me about your problems altogether. I know quite a few people who will take this personally and be offended. I can't do anything about that but for once in both our lives...

THIS IS ABOUT ME. ME. NOT YOU.

Give me some space, sometimes. That's all I need.

Bubble Wrap.

People who say HTC Explorer is a fazool phone can go suck it. I love my phone. Even though now I'm officially bankrupt. But anyway.

I have my 3rd semester viva tomorrow. Then I'll just have the absolute last semester left. In which I have my thesis, placement, case reports, portfolio, plus regular classes and assignments and presentations and quizzes. Get the picture? Nai? I'll send you one soon.

Its funny, I posted every random thing (sometimes thrice) when I was in Honors and now that I've been through the scariest, hardest, cruelest, most stressful one and a half year of my life... I barely wrote anything. I was too busy yes, but still. Lol. I just want a lot of attenshunz and sympathy.

I told my teacher (when she rejected my report yet again) that they expect perfection which is just NOT. POSSIBLE.

Her response: "Hum tum logon ko susraal ki training de rahay hain."

I mean.... Acha. Okay. Baki baad mein sahi.

Hope the 3 people who read this blog are good. 

Its A Happy Day.

Which started with both Mom and I crying. Lawwl. Not going there, saansitive topic for now.

But anyway. Even though I had a horrible exam yesterday which went horribly and have a horrible one again tomorrow...

I. Am. Determined. That this is going to be a happy day. I'll make sure of it. See, its kind of like my own jaahilaana (asstremely stupid) experiment type thing cheez kind of. I'm going to do my best to make this day legend-WAIT FOR IT-DARY. No Shreej, I won't write 'dairy'.

Then we'll see. If I succeed or not. I will post...I will. Okay bye now.