Fith

There are days when it feels like every step you ever took, every decision or choice you ever made led you to exactly this moment and this is where you're supposed to be.

Today isn't one of those days.

Today sucks so much.

Nothing happened as such, only an accumulation of tiny things that turned into a mountain when I wasn't looking.

It's not impossible, just overwhelming. Too much, at the moment.

I'm struggling to breathe, struggling to stop the constant tears and I don't want to talk to anyone about it.

So, you're it.





I miss home. 

Issa Mad Nazu

I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed at everything.

I'm annoyed with everyone.

I live in annoyance.

Annoyance is all I know.

Sometimes, there's also irritation, but she's so closely related to annoyance, it's hard to tell the difference.

Sometimes, there's a reason, sometimes there isn't.

I'm just... UGH.

Maybe it's the weather. I'm always depressed and angry and emotional in the summer. Lahore is deadly in this heat. I don't know, I'm just so so so annoyed.

I have friends!

Lol, I mean blogger friends.

I'm so so so happy to see old blogger friends commenting even now, about what... 7 or 8 years after we all left blogging??

I love seeing your comments on my posts Shreej and Furree I missed you!

I have some big big news coming up but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. So I'll leave you annoyed at yet another vague nothing blogpost hehehe.

You should be getting used to these by now.

COMMENT MORE, I STILL NEED VALIDATION AT THIS ADVANCED AGE.

Love you guys.

- My tags sound like an imbecile created them. I can't say I'm surprised but I did expect better from teenage me. Ah, well.

Popcorn Kernel

Another vague post not meant to be understood, just here for me to be nostalgic over - about 4 years from now.

I can't believe this is happening, I really can't. In a good way. Like... it's a good thing. I hope.

Good time, too.

Chalo bus ab Allah Hafiz.

Sum Sum Sweet

Sometimes I ask myself why I got married.

Then he'll do something like clear the sink because he knows I hate washing dishes.

Or clean the whole house, top to bottom, so that I won't have to.

Or bring me Pakola because I love it, get random cutesy stationary because I have a thing for that, have chai with me even when he doesn't want to just so I have company.

So I tell myself this is why.

Lol, I kid. He's kinda great. 

Bah, Humbug

I'm sitting in my lounge. It's a beautiful evening with a balmy breeze and my husband is cooking dinner tonight.

Now for any 'sane' woman, this would be perfect.

For me?

Not so much.

Every single muscle is screaming at me O KADD BAAR AENU KITCHEN TOUN cause men are so INEFFICIENT in the kitchen, how they think they know better than women is mind boggling.

I'm a huge control freak, I know. I couldn't even sit in the kitchen and watch him work because all I kept thinking was 'wrong', 'that's not how you do that' 'oy na kar aise'.

So, you see. I have to bite my lip, clench my fingers, sit on my hands and force myself to slowly disengage before I do bodily harm.

Bichara, kis pagal se shadi kar li. 

Bhindi

I quite like labeling all my posts with dinners I make (or heat up). I quite like food, bus baat asal mein yehi hai.

Sartaaj (lolol) ko bhindi zara nahi pasand, according to my in laws. Meri banayee hui to khayee jati hai hehe hehe mummy jee, ab kya hua pasand ko?

Okay sorry, bitchy ho gayee little bit.

Kal se Muharram shuro ho raha hai aur bara ajeeb lag raha hai planning everything on my own. New city, new majaalis, new customs. Lahore mein to pichlay kafi saal se routine set thi ammi ke sath. Iss saal, I'm on my own. Will crash random houses. Kinda apprehensive, because bachpan ki wallflower and socially uncomfortable feelings upar aa rahi hain. Got rid of most of those in college but kabhi kabhi, you know. Ainwaen bus.

Acha bus, ab recipe ki taraf ja rahi hain. Have to upload quite a few per as usual aadhi likh ke bore ho jaon gi phir aglay maheenay complete kar ke upload kar dun gi.

Chalo, bye.

P.S. 'Karachi' aur 'Sartaaj' ka tag zaruri mehsoos ho raha hai filwaqt. 

Kharab.

Aaj kal ajeeb halat hai.
One day I'm happy, at peace, taking everything in stride.
The next day I'm angry, resentful, miserable and INSANELY homesick.

This has been happening every single day, for over a week.

Kuch kharab ho gaya hai meray dimagh mein.

Kisi ne agar iss ka ilzaam PMS ko diya, to chandd maarun gi.

Pls fix me.

Soft Focus

I have a new soft gray, yellow and white bedspread that goes really well with my gray headboard. I have a new coffee scented candle and a warm yellow light string over my bed. I love the lights and the scents and the colors and I can't write this down anywhere else cause like... who'll get how/why I feel so happy about trivial things lol.

My room looks so welcoming and pretty. I just wish my family was here with me on Eid, would've been perfect.

Subha subha uthna hai, mein chali aan. 

Butter Chicken Nights

Because that's what I cooked for dinner, hehe.

So after a couple months in Khi, I went home to Lahore and spent a crazy two weeks there. Busy, busy, busy with a wedding in the family, guests, the events, etc. I felt a little cheated out of time with my parents and siblings but I guess it is what it is.

Now I'm in Islamabad, at the in-laws and I'm homesick... again. So, I'm here. Again. You see this vicious cycle that ne - okay, sorry. Getting carried away with my whining.

Anyway. A week or 10 days here then back to Karachi for a month and thennnnn Islamabad again. I'm a nomad, surprise.

P.S. Lahore, I love you, but THE DAMN WEATHER. GOOD GOD. I'm a paseena puddle. 

Baingan.

The only reason for that title is I'm warming some up right now. Baingan, that is. I feel like I always need to explain my strange, nonsense titles.

There's so much happening these days, just the thought of typing it out has me feeling overwhelmed, stressed and resulting in complete avoidance.

I'm just homesick right now so I came here. This is a sad little home too, lol.

Okay, more next time. Khana jal raha hai. 

Gorgeous and Loved

... Are the two Milani lip shades I'm obsessed with at the moment.

I just bought like 12 shades from Colourpop and am waiting for the shipment to arrive. Then I saw these two and fell in love. Obsessed all day over whether to order them now or wait for a bit. My guilty conscience is acting up quite a bit, so I still haven't arrived at a decision.

Anyway. We're probably moving cities for a few months and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Super happy about it because we'll have our own space and all. But then also kind of sad because I'll be pretty far from the family and with no job, pretty much bored out of my mind.

Although I do have friends there. And hobbies. Lots of stuff I like to do.

I think I obsess over things for little to no reason because I have the stupid.

Pls help me decide about the lipsticks, okay thanks.

Midsummer

I had a miserable day after that nice day but decided to grow up and not whine about it.

I didn't like it, but it was an interesting experiment in self control.

So I made Shahjahani pulao for the in laws today - special food, it being Shab-e-Barat and all. Bhabi made pudding that looks really really good. Yet to put my face in it, so don't know how it actually is.

I honestly don't know why I've started writing these useless details here.

I'm looking forward to dessert and then chai. So much chai.

The weather's cooled off a bit, thank God. It's been terrible the past couple days.

Acha, hope you have a good night, bye.

Sunday on Thursday

It's been a nice day and I wanted to write that somewhere.

I woke up, sent the husband off, then made chai for myself. 2 mugs, of course.

I read a little, watched The Holiday (finally), had some more chai and leftover Thai food.

I made Butter Chicken for dinner.

Now I'm reading a new book, with a Sunday morning playlist (hence the title) that sounds amazing thanks to my tiny speaker from Miniso.

It's been a nice day, and I want to preserve how good it feels. Here. For the next time things are not so nice and I'm missing home. 

A Little More

Here's what happened 5 mins after reaching the hotel in Dubai:

Husband: What's with the face? Kya hua?

Me: Nothing.

I know it's something. Tell me.

WHAT IF WE'RE BORED AND ANNOYED AND DON'T GET ALONG AND IT'S AWFUL AND HORRIBLE AND THE WHOLE TRIP SUCKS?!

-pause-

H: ... what if it doesn't suck?

That was us pretty much every day. Me, the mental patient. Him, the calm rational person telling me it's okay.

After that, things actually settled quite a bit and we managed to have a blast. Meeting friends often helped a lot. Things are easier in a crowd, and the pressure's off to be the one always talking, laughing, making interesting conversation (lol), etc. Also, shisha. I mean... soul food. Or smoke.

He really surprises me sometimes though. I mean that in a good way. In the 'I can't believe someone can genuinely be this nice' way. I thought I was the nicest person I knew. He has me beat by 500 levels. Kind of a strange feeling to be the idiot in the relationship but I'm okay with it, hehe. 

Back to work today for him, visiting family and friends for me. Little cousin who was 5 just a couple years ago is now suddenly an A level graduate and I'm helping her get ready for her farewell tonight. And then on Thursday, back to the original home. Yay!